1 Year Depression free!

I've been depression free for 1 year this week. I know this sounds weird but it's something for me to celebrate. I've suffered from depression, suicidal thoughts, repeated rape & molestation, abuse, abandonment etc etc since I was born - but I've been dealing with & carrying these issues with me for more than 30 yrs.

My Mindset

Every year I set out to do better. Think better, and I do for awhile and then everything returns to the surface and I'm thrown right back into a depression.

Seeking Closure

Every year I set out to do better. Think better, and I do for awhile and then everything returns to the surface and I'm thrown right back into a depression.

How'd I break the cycle?

Anytime something or someone would let me down, I told myself it wasn't because of me or something I did it was their choosing and I couldn't control that.

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See it's all about the 'I' in that statement. 'I' stopped blaming myself. 'I' stopped thinking people hated me or didn't want me around. It got thinking that maybe that was a high power telling me those people were toxic and instead of making me out to the bad guy by cutting them out of my lives - the high power eliminated the obstacle for me.

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Once I got past the 'I' stage, I moved into the rewarding stage. For years I believed what happened to me was my fault - when it wasn't. There was a time where I was bribed for this individual to get what they wanted - but I wasn't bribe-able. So years later - I thought buying myself or having things bought for me was a bribe. Because I thought this way - I stopped buying myself things. I stopped building a life and discovering things I liked. I LOST MY IDENTITY. I didn't know who I 'was' or am for that matter. I couldn't remember what I liked because I stopped liking things.

My Career

It's the same thing with my writing. None of my accomplishments in life have been celebrated - none, not birthdays, graduations, life milestones (sweet 16, 19th b - day etc) and most of all my wedding.

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So when I started writing I knew it'd be nothing different and it's not - but when I joined the Indie Community I knew nothing. It was a whole new world to me but I jumped in and ran with it - too quickly I might add.

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So I had a few hiccups along the way - a debut novel that flopped, no one signed up, no beta readers, no promotional tools - or very good ones and that disappointment triggered me. I felt like giving up again but realized my book wasn't ready - it hasn't been ready for the past four years!! And that's because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to put my personal life aside - it was still fresh and raw everyday but I was maintaining a life so no one knew - I've never shown it.

Better Head space

Now that I'm in a better head space my story is flowing. It's personal. It's raw. It's extremely heavy and the angst - at least for me carries a heavy weight in my chest. But it's a weight of honor. A weight of growth - because I'm growing as person. I'm growing as a writer and I'm evolving like a freakin' human being and it's about damn time.

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That being said, when I re-launch my true story, it'll be told through the Behind the Music series. You'll be able to start reading it hopefully in January - aiming for the 6th the same day the original book was published (that date is special and holds a meaning I'd like to continue).